We, Always

Always

WE have ceased to exist.

Separated by a thousand seas and a million suns, we have failed to reconnect our distant souls and open our senses to the reality that was screaming upon us.

The seemingly faint echoes of the relatively distant past never really made its way to the present moment.

What remains are nostalgic memories of how it all started and what should and could have been. Memories of penniless souls but were full of dreams, and of empty stomachs but were full of promises and cognizance of a brighter future. Dreams that had led me to move away in search of.

My journey, as mundane and comparable to most who made it before me, is basically the same. My travels, filled with both adventures and misfortunes, are relative to all who made their way to the new world. But my story was not exactly what you call a typical one, for it is filled and tainted with apprehensions and doubts to begin with. And as soon as I set foot on my destined alien land, I knew what soon would become of me.

Ever since the day I left, as if on cue, I went on an auto-mode. Mainly because the very idea of separation from the very same person who suckled me back to life as a person, that same girl who nourished me from being closer to the pits of hell and back onto the road of salvation, was extremely excruciating. And for me to go on alone in a distant unfamiliar land, I had to keep myself on a survival mode.

Yes, it’s a survival thing.

And for all the years that I had been away, I have somehow perfected the art of being out of touch, of being stone cold, and of being physically and emotionally detached. I know I had to, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to last the way I had. And if I hadn’t, the future that I had envisioned for her would not exist, nor even begin to take shape.

I never actually lived. I merely chose to survive. For if I chose to live, I would never be able to let her lead her life. She wouldn’t be able to flap her wings, like she was able to do now. If I wanted to live they way I wanted to live my life, I should have been there with her, back with an empty stomach and still dreaming of better days.

And in the life I chose to live, the journey I had to endure, both good and bad, is filled with the best intention to make life better not for myself, but for her.

One thing I have realized over the years, is that you cannot have everything. Because in everything, you just can’t win them all, something has just got to give. The practical considerations that I had for her outweigh the petty emotions I know I kept deep inside of me.

I have changed. And she, blindsided.

Sometimes, I think that whatever we do, and however way we wanted to do it, we will always be led to choose. And whatever choice you made based on whatever you think would be better at the time, would always surprise you with whatever outcome life would have for you at the end of it.

It doesn’t have to be fair, because life never is to begin with.

I know in time, she will be able to understand, and accept me for who I am. And respect all the decisions I have made, be it good or bad. Because after all, those are not easy ones to make. Yes, those are indeed very tough decisions, and sometimes it can even be challenging to accept myself for what I had become.

And I had to live with it for the rest of my life.

I know that our special bond, broken as it is now, will be mended by time. And now that she finally reaches majority, I pray that the healing would soon commence.  Because we are connected more than just the blood that runs through our veins.  For I am her father as she is my daughter.

And WE shall always be.

Sulat ng Tatay
The Mourning After
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One Comment

  1. ymme

    you will always be…don’t despair all wounds will heal in time…space is badly needed, absence will definitely make her grow fonder and though things turned out this way…let her feel you as a father…the person who has all the love and understanding for her…let her be but virtually hold her hand to lead her back to you…i also wish her to heal in time for there will be no better future for her than to travel without the burden of hatred and pain…i wish her to travel life’s journey with a happy and confident heart…i will help for i wish them well 🙂

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