I wanted to look away. Away from her lovely gaze. Forget all the things she did and put it away, no matter how wonderful, no matter how magical.
Unnecessary complications were the only thing I have with my too complicated pathetic life, and the last thing I can offer her in return.
I could give nothing except misery and unpredictability. Not even a fresh new accord would lift the burden away from my ragged heart and listless body. I was emotionally and physically unfit…. nevertheless, I looked back.
I wanted to move away. Away from it all, away from everyone who knew me. Leave everything behind me and bury them where no one, not even myself would dare dig them back to this present reality.
I could never give peace and stability. Even concessions and endless compromise would never untangle the discord inside my brain and free my wandering soul. I was mentally and spiritually unstable…. instead, I moved closer.
I dared looked back. Just that one look, and I was back again. And it was nothing like ever before, all things were a stuck in a spinning perpetual heavenly haze.
That is, until the questions began. And self-doubt started to border on masochism.
For how many times should I try to explain that the skies are not blue, and that the earth’s atmosphere only makes it so? How many times do you want to hear, that no matter how you sit still, you won’t be staying in the same spot anymore, and that the universe keeps moving with or without you in it?
They said honesty is the lonely word. But I figured, trust is the loneliest of them all. Because when there is trust, there is no need for honesty at all.
Why ask questions when you knew the answers all along? Why demand honesty when there is no reason to lie? If you ask the same question over and over, do you think the answer would somehow change?
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insane. There I quote my dear friend Albert. Sadly, asking the same questions over and over and expecting a different answer is not just insane but overly insulting.
It does not provide you the sense of security you pathetically seek, but only aggravates your lack of it. And worse it only push people away instead of pulling them back in place.
Was leaving everything behind and starting a new life not enough?
Somebody said that when the pieces won’t fit anymore, the only thing that makes sense is to move on, and find the ones that do.
I guess when that happens, looking back again is the last thing I’ll ever do.