The Clinical Path to Obscurity

simplicityThe degenerating parts of me are the tragic but nevertheless concrete consequences of my previous actions, and quite simply, an unavoidable baggage of having just too many birthdays.

Like they say, you would appreciate something as trivial as your sideburns only soon after you had lost it. Only then you would realize that that small something actually had a use and a purpose after all.

I used to run with the bulls, and do it calmly. Like a light feather dancing, touching the most violent breeze within the eye of the storm.

I used to swim with sharks, and do so without fear. Like a gentle wave, island-hopping without a care on who or what stands in the way.

I used to fight like a madman, always confident that I will win. Like a rebel fighting a just cause, raging relentlessly up until there’s no more reason to fight for.

On my younger days, I prefer the rock star’s creed. That is, to burn myself out rather than fade away. But it took me awhile to burn out. Instead of instantly burning myself to oblivion, my energy just burst most of it in just a couple of decades and then decided to ease out the remaining part of my inner core.

And just like a dying star, my gas is almost running out, making my body decay year after year, gravity sucking my whole slowly…. but surely.

Now I can hardly walk. On the days that I’m lucky enough not to be accompanied by my cane, or crutches, I still fear of an impending gout attack. And boy it really is disabling.

These days, I can’t find the time to swim. Hell I can’t even finish my pile of to-read books. Even if I do find the time to swim, I couldn’t go as far as a hundred yards. I just don’t have that strength anymore.

Now I can only run errands, swim with bills, and fight obscurity.

Except from the occasional emotional outburst, I just wanted to find peace, in whatever way I can find it. War is but a fool man’s foolish idea. There’s nothing we can’t do for peace.

Every month is a year older. Every year is a new generation. My hairline, my youth, my basic body functions, my memories, me. Now, I am beginning to lose most of it.

Those were the days of my youthful past. Gone were the days of unlimited adventure and endless exploits. Vanished were the time of adrenaline filled and risk taking ventures. The life-long journey is almost on its end. And I was a rebel no more.

Let the youth have their angst, but in my obscurity, let me have my peace of mind.

Our Official Statement on the Maguindanao Massacre
The Unseeing Eye
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5 Comments

  1. carlos (samitoy)

    groans moans and heartaches (all over aches) of an old passing man. but you’re not that old buraot. i could only hear this things from octo or nano guys who no longer (impatient is the word) could wait for their last. and that’s the beauty of life! imagine yourself as being immortal. just like family, friends are passing and you’re being left behind all the time. silly thoughts but when our time is come, alas, let go.

  2. BURAOT (Author)

    carlos, i was an immortal. or so i thought.

  3. hi kuya, oks lang yan.. just be thankful na lang din that at one point in your life you were able to run with the bulls, swim with the sharks, and fight like a madman. you are one of the lucky ones (i think)… pity those who lived in fear and trusted their lives to fate… you are not one of them.. you were able to enjoy the journey..

    🙂
    .-= reyapot´s last blog ..Big… Fat…Burner Reviews =-.

  4. BURAOT (Author)

    yun lang nga, past na sa prime.

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