The degenerating parts of me are the tragic but nevertheless concrete consequences of my previous actions, and quite simply, an unavoidable baggage of having just too many birthdays.
Like they say, you would appreciate something as trivial as your sideburns only soon after you had lost it. Only then you would realize that that small something actually had a use and a purpose after all.
I used to run with the bulls, and do it calmly. Like a light feather dancing, touching the most violent breeze within the eye of the storm.
I used to swim with sharks, and do so without fear. Like a gentle wave, island-hopping without a care on who or what stands in the way.
I used to fight like a madman, always confident that I will win. Like a rebel fighting a just cause, raging relentlessly up until there’s no more reason to fight for.
On my younger days, I prefer the rock star’s creed. That is, to burn myself out rather than fade away. But it took me awhile to burn out. Instead of instantly burning myself to oblivion, my energy just burst most of it in just a couple of decades and then decided to ease out the remaining part of my inner core.
And just like a dying star, my gas is almost running out, making my body decay year after year, gravity sucking my whole slowly…. but surely.
Now I can hardly walk. On the days that I’m lucky enough not to be accompanied by my cane, or crutches, I still fear of an impending gout attack. And boy it really is disabling.
These days, I can’t find the time to swim. Hell I can’t even finish my pile of to-read books. Even if I do find the time to swim, I couldn’t go as far as a hundred yards. I just don’t have that strength anymore.
Now I can only run errands, swim with bills, and fight obscurity.
Except from the occasional emotional outburst, I just wanted to find peace, in whatever way I can find it. War is but a fool man’s foolish idea. There’s nothing we can’t do for peace.
Every month is a year older. Every year is a new generation. My hairline, my youth, my basic body functions, my memories, me. Now, I am beginning to lose most of it.
Those were the days of my youthful past. Gone were the days of unlimited adventure and endless exploits. Vanished were the time of adrenaline filled and risk taking ventures. The life-long journey is almost on its end. And I was a rebel no more.
Let the youth have their angst, but in my obscurity, let me have my peace of mind.