The Endless Pursuit

in pursuit of happinessI thought my I was done. My soul searching, my search for answers. I thought I was good enough. My experiences, my life skills. I thought I was wise enough. Been there, done that.

As always, I was wrong….

Years ago, I thought I have seen my soul. But now, poking through my own life, gazing through my very limited self, what I thought was my soul, to which I had seen countless times, was actually not the one I was hoping to see.

It was just the very shadow of  it. It was just a review of what I had become, and certainly not a glimpse of what would become of me. A shadow of my own self.

Now I look over the panoramic view of a new city, from a deserted hill to which I now stand. The glare of the city lights blinking over the skyline looks like a sign of life, except that somehow, it seems empty. Like when you see a neon sign on top of some buildings alongside the road that just keeps on blinking, but you see no people inside. Or when you call the telephone operator and you would end up talking to an automated person. You end up like talking to yourself.

It gives you a false sense of hope. It certainly makes you feel… alone.

I am now again a wanderer, a searcher. A wandering soul-less being, peeking inside itself with a life-like magnifying glass. An imperfect human self, searching for a perfect world.

I looked to the more distant horizon. It was past 9:00 PM. The sun is still about to set. And its vibrant orange color still hover the bay area marina. The waters are calm, except for the glistening reflection of the sun. Again it reminded me of the shadow of my soul. From the water you thought you can see the shape of the sun, but some turbulence in the atmosphere and the flow of the water itself wouldn’t allow you to see it quite fully.

Just an inaccurate reflection of what it once was. And definitely not of what it would be.

Like most people, I just wanted to be happy, all the while trying to carry the weight of my shoulders, and whatever life tries to throw upon me. The daily and practical stuff that we had to go through everyday, even the small stuff can kick us out of balance. Out of what we ought to achieve, a simple but happy life.

But can it really be achieved? In this life where consumerism devours our whole life, dreaming and living a very simple life is easier said than done. Not unless maybe if we were born in a very far-away place where TV’s cannot reach us. Or maybe if we live in a rural country, away from what the civilized world had to offer.

Without the technology, the medicines and whatever things the modern day could provide us, I honestly don’t think we could live our lives without them. The conveniences that it provides comes with a hefty price tag… we have to pay it by giving away the simplicity of life.

And by giving it away, we get involved too much on trying to achieve them, all the while thinking that those things that make our lives easier, can make us happy.

They don’t.

We all try to spend our whole life in the pursuit of happiness, which is unfortunately, temporary at best. Not only was it endless, it also seems… futile.

Yes, our search is endless.

Twice The Dose Of It
Comparatively Insignificant
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15 Comments

  1. oist wala sa topic ang comment ko..ikaw baga eh mangyan din? tanong mo kasi sa akin yan eh..sa Or. kami!

  2. BURAOT (Author)

    ala naman! ay opo. taga dun ako bayan ng mga banak!

    hmmn..ayan pa rin yung comment luv, error pa rin… tsk tsk…

  3. comment test… 1.2.3…

  4. still more testing… 4.5.6….

    KULAPO’s last blog post..Quits Na Tayo!

  5. seems it’s getting the feeds now.. just the preview colors need changing….

  6. I feel awed because it’s not often that we can verbalize our fears and worries like you did, pero…

    Sumuko k n kaagad? Huwag.

    Of course our search is endless! Of course we will always be insatiable!

    At the end of the day, when you’re nearing to that life called old age, mare-realize mo that your search for happiness — those things that actually happen to you while you search for your happiness — un na un. That’s the life ur talking about.

    Life’s not really about reaching the destination, it’s the journey.

    And always, we will find happiness from the simplest of things around us. Hindi lang natin nire-recognize.

  7. BURAOT (Author)

    hi nebz, thanks for the encouragement. di naman ako sumusuko, madalas lang sempre umaatake yung pessimism. hirap lang kasi, the more we get advanced, mas nawawala yung simpleng buhay. the simple life na worry-free. yun kasi ang mas masaya, yung simple.

  8. You are one hell of a writer! I even have to add a dictionary tab on my toolbar to keep up with it…

  9. BURAOT (Author)

    MsPinkBiik.. di naman masyadow… ska wala naman ako masyadong high “polluting” words…

    anyhoo, thanks. saka nga pala, di ko pa maharap yung sinabi mo eh…

  10. So deep but true. Everything is like punching against the wind unless our lives are directed at the purpose of our Creation. Nice post!

  11. BURAOT (Author)

    nice pahabol mina… thanks.

  12. kuya, parejo kayu ng sentimento nung frend ko.. sometimes i feel it too…

    pero tama si Nebz… its the journey, and not the destination….

    minsan sa kakahanap, na-mimiss mo yung hinahanap mo eh dumating na pala… or nandyan na pla sa harap mo…nilalasap mo na.. di mo lang ma enjoy kasi possibleng meron kang ineexpect na iba… or nabalutan ka na ng pag aalala…

    lam mo, feeling ko.. gusto kitang gawing idol… malalim ka kapatid… you see more than meets the eyes (tama ba english ko? gets mo ba point ko sana, hehehe…)

    sarap basahin post mo, kaso nahihilo ako sa back ground hehehe…

    reyapot’s last blog post..Vacation Leave

  13. BURAOT (Author)

    reyapots: heheh. tenkyu. yung background, sinadya ko yun. para yung nagbabasa medyo nago grogi. parang nakakalasing di ba? para yun gumanda ang dating ng binabasa mo. hehehhe.

    heheh. batman kase ang theme ko kasi i associate myself sa kanya. pero sige, pramis, when i have this week, haharapin ko na, gawin ko na lang sigurong medyo grayish yung text….

  14. Wow! This is so deep…dish. Hehe. Lumalabas talaga ang pagiging writer mo bro. Anyway, I do agree with you. With all the technologies being rammed in our throats, we have all become slaves of the material world. We are all lured into thinking that possessing these things would satisfy our endless search for happiness. Happiness nga ba? What about love? (‘ika nga ng bandang Heart).

    I don’t know if you agree with me…o baka magalit naman sa akin ang mga OFWs (tell me if I’m wrong). Pero would you think this very thing of possessing material gains is the very reason why Pinoys are now the modern version of the wandering jews? Dahil nga kailangang i-satisfy ang basic needs including certain comforts, kelangang hanapin ang kakayahang ito sa ibang bansa? Ewan…sumasakit tuloy ulo ko,hehe.

    O sya, salamat pala sa lagi mong bisita sa maliit kong blog ha. And congrats dito sa bago mong site. Lalo tuloy akong na-eengganyo dahil sa tagumpay mo.

    All the best 🙂

    pinkoy’s last blog post..On Weird Filipino Names

  15. BURAOT (Author)

    hay naku pinkoy, i should never have left. pero ika nga, lahat ng bagay, may rason behind it. most of the time, di lang natin alam. wala naman kasing coincidence.

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