I thought my I was done. My soul searching, my search for answers. I thought I was good enough. My experiences, my life skills. I thought I was wise enough. Been there, done that.
As always, I was wrong….
Years ago, I thought I have seen my soul. But now, poking through my own life, gazing through my very limited self, what I thought was my soul, to which I had seen countless times, was actually not the one I was hoping to see.
It was just the very shadow of it. It was just a review of what I had become, and certainly not a glimpse of what would become of me. A shadow of my own self.
Now I look over the panoramic view of a new city, from a deserted hill to which I now stand. The glare of the city lights blinking over the skyline looks like a sign of life, except that somehow, it seems empty. Like when you see a neon sign on top of some buildings alongside the road that just keeps on blinking, but you see no people inside. Or when you call the telephone operator and you would end up talking to an automated person. You end up like talking to yourself.
It gives you a false sense of hope. It certainly makes you feel… alone.
I am now again a wanderer, a searcher. A wandering soul-less being, peeking inside itself with a life-like magnifying glass. An imperfect human self, searching for a perfect world.
I looked to the more distant horizon. It was past 9:00 PM. The sun is still about to set. And its vibrant orange color still hover the bay area marina. The waters are calm, except for the glistening reflection of the sun. Again it reminded me of the shadow of my soul. From the water you thought you can see the shape of the sun, but some turbulence in the atmosphere and the flow of the water itself wouldn’t allow you to see it quite fully.
Just an inaccurate reflection of what it once was. And definitely not of what it would be.
Like most people, I just wanted to be happy, all the while trying to carry the weight of my shoulders, and whatever life tries to throw upon me. The daily and practical stuff that we had to go through everyday, even the small stuff can kick us out of balance. Out of what we ought to achieve, a simple but happy life.
But can it really be achieved? In this life where consumerism devours our whole life, dreaming and living a very simple life is easier said than done. Not unless maybe if we were born in a very far-away place where TV’s cannot reach us. Or maybe if we live in a rural country, away from what the civilized world had to offer.
Without the technology, the medicines and whatever things the modern day could provide us, I honestly don’t think we could live our lives without them. The conveniences that it provides comes with a hefty price tag… we have to pay it by giving away the simplicity of life.
And by giving it away, we get involved too much on trying to achieve them, all the while thinking that those things that make our lives easier, can make us happy.
We all try to spend our whole life in the pursuit of happiness, which is unfortunately, temporary at best. Not only was it endless, it also seems… futile.
Yes, our search is endless.